I guess.

I don't like those days when I feel forgotten or unloved. Or when I feel like I push those I love out of my life. Today is just one of those days where you feel like you are in a black hole and you cant escape. I know that soon, if I feel down, things will begin to turn around sooner or later. They cant stay down all the time. Maybe I really just want to stay home. I guess the longer you are away from it, the more you appreciate it and miss it. I just feel like Im just in an empty void over here are my grandmas. Im hoping they get someone hired soon. Or maybe its the fact that everyone else seems really happy that makes me feel down. I know I shouldnt be. I just want to find that happiness. I guess things change and I have to change with them.

One last new one for the night:)

My life is going pretty good right now. There is nothing I can complain about or anything. Its not terrific but its just there on the calming stage. Im working on building my self confidence. I think if I have a lot more independence and build my self esteem then I can probably get there. I have a great life going for me right now and I need to take it. I need to stop pushing everything out of my life. Once that happens then I can open my eyes up to everything. There are so many opportunities to do things. I want to do them all. I wish to experience what I have yet to experience. I am planning on working hard so I can reach my goals. Im so glad I have this friend there to help me along. Without him, I dont know what I would do! He means the world to me and hes the one person I can turn to when I ever need somebody. :) And of course my family and my cousin is there for me when I need them. I cant forget to leave them out, but as far as friends go, hes pretty much the only one there for me.

I am beginning to love my life :)

The one special person.

There is no one else like you.

Everytime I see you or talk to you, you make me smile.

You make my day worthwhile.

I know that now is not our time together but hopefully soon, it one day will be.

I believe you are the one.

The one that completes me.

The perfect one.

The one I would give my life to.

The one I would do anything for.

Is this true?

Am I in love with you?

Maybe yes.

I have never felt this way toward another person.

Can it be true?

Maybe.

Needs a break.

Over the break, I have decided I am going to cleanse my mind and start over and think everything out very thoroughly. Lately, I have been jumping at every opportunity. I want to clean the skeletons out of my closet and burn them forever. I am going to get my life together and do some serious thinking before I jump at every opportunity and get myself involved in a lot of things I shouldnt really get involved in yet until my life is in order. I had a card reading the other day from one of my friends and my reading mainly talked about something bad that is going to come into my life soon that will effect everything from then on and it will change the way I see everything. Apparently I will thank it later on for what happen. In a way it makes me worry about what is going to happen in the future but then again it makes me keep my eyes open to what is to come.

Once again?

Ever re-like someone you never thought you would relike?? Crazy thing. I realized a few day that there is this guy that I use to like and I realized I like them again. Like a lot. I feel a strange connection in a good way. All the coincidences. Maybe there is a plan to this madness. Well, we will see :) Goodnight world!

Sometimes.

I just get so tired guys. The ones I like never like me back, or at least I dont know if they do, doubt it. Its just I feel like Ive been waiting for a very long time for someone to come into my life, or someone I know and just havent realized yet. I should just let things happen the way they should...its just taking forever...I guess being patient this long will help me in the long run. It might even mean good things will happen. Dunno what yet xD Haha Yeah, my wisdom teeth are hurting! I want them gone!!!

Nightmarish dreams.

Okay so last night I did not have a very pleasant dream. Lately, I have been trying to understand and analyze my dreams. This one last night was very interesting, or shall I say, creatively put. The most dominant part of the dream was the scene where me and one of my friends that I have liked for a while were standing outside in a parking lot staring at my car. My car had been completely destroyed. It was beaten down and there were very many holes in it. I stood there crying and freaking out. I told my friend that he needs to help me find a person to fix it. He said he will help me out. Eventually he tried calling and stuff to help me out. The story behind this is, he has been partially avoiding me the past few months and I have been trying to talk to him for a while but last night was the first time I had seen him in about 2 or 3 weeks. I still have not stopped liking him either. I think my dream was telling me that I want to get his attention. I feel that subconsciencely my brain was thinking that I destroyed my car just so I can get his attention and get him to notice me. I know it may not be true because it was a subconscience thought and those can be sketchy sometimes. But I knew deep down inside in my dream that that was what really happened. I dont remember any of the other scenes, just that one. The thought in the back of my mind about it has kept me down a little bit because in real life I subconsicencely think about it. I may never actually think about it though. It wasnt until my dream actually until I consciencely thought about it.

Everytime.

Everytime I see you, it hurts because I know I can't be with you.

I feel a pain deep inside that just cuts deeper.

You may not see it, but I can feel it slowly killing me inside.

Ripping me apart, deeper and deeper.

Slicing through every bone in my body like a sharp cold knife.

I want to tell you how it feels.

I want to let you know.

But the longer I wait the harder it is

and the more you slip away.

I thought what we had was special and that you were being honest.

You make me not know what to believe in anymore.

I cant trust anyone because I trusted you.

Why do I always do this to myself.

Why do I fall into the trap of trusting someone else?

I want to let you know how I feel

so you can share my pain.

Being a guy.

I personally think being a guy would be so much easier. They live to be simple. Now being a woman is the most complicated thing ever. First they gotta deal with always having to look pretty. If they dont look pretty enough, people complain. Women get shot down which takes their self a esteem to a low level and then they MUST look pretty before they go out in public. They HAVE to have their hair nice and they HAVE to wear more than a small amount of make up. If they dont live up to those standards, they are looked down on as 'lazy', 'unkept', 'unattractive'. What happen to natural beauty?? Why must a person feel so insecure about going out into the world unless they have a buttload of makeup on. All makeup does is eventually make your eyes saggy and wrinkly causing you to wear even more make up to cover it up. Am I really that unkept for a lot of people to complain about me constantly?? Seriously? I take a shower, I smell good, I have decent clothes, my hair is not that freakishly awful. Just because I dont wear makeup does not make me ugly. I would rather be able not to wear makeup in public rather than depending on it for the rest of my life. Those are just two of the many things I dont like about being a woman. Living up to the standards of other people through beauty.

Number 3. I hate periods. They are the most God-awful dreaded thing on this planet. I want to get rid of them. Every other woman would probably agree with me on that one. They are pointless and stupid. At least from my perspective.

Number 4 I hate cramps. They are right up there with periods except maybe WORSE! They are just plain painful and miserable. I think I wouldnt mind periods if cramps didnt come with the package.

Number 5 Pregnancy. I dont konw about other people but they last thing I want to happen is to get pregnant. Looks miserable and painful and I dont think I could deal with a child inside of me for nine months. It scares the living daylights out of me! I like children but I still hold firm to adopting. Plus I dont think I want someone looking at my vag. That just creeps me out more than being prego.

Number 6 Pap smears. I think I would rather be prego. I very very very much dread the day I have to go get one. I pick getting 50 shots over getting a pap smear done. I think I will cry the whole time, freak out, or maybe I will be allowed to be drugged up so I dont panic like crazy because I will. Oh, I know I will. I think going to the doctor or dentist is bad enough. Even waiting to get my hair cut makes me panic. Dont know what ill do when that day comes

Number 7 Hair. I want to chop it all off and never deal with it again. Its annying and people complain about the way it looks

Number 8 Sex. I think sex would be super painful and scary. Especially since I have a very bad fear of tampons or just inserting anything in general. All guys have to worry bout is sticking it in right. No pain and all pleasure for them.

These are all reasons that make me wish I were a guy.

crazy.

Sometimes I feel as though I may have a small percentage of insanity in me. Im always coming up with theories but nothing to back them up. A lot of them I feel to believe are true. Dreams for instance are an extremely curious spectrum of the rainbow for me. I like reading about symbolistic views of dreams. They fascinate me. really dreams can be anything you want them to be, as long as you understand how they work. Last night I had a very interesting dream. Some parts of it were about how I could control what people do even though I wasn't fully controlling them. I had a dream about inception also but it wasn't about the movie. It was about me incepting into someone elses thoughts to subconsciously get myself to control what they are doing without me controlling them. I also remember all this happening in my back yard and it was an overcast with the hint of rain trying to come through. I know this probably doesnt make sense to anyone that it reading this but it all makes sense in my head. I feel like I really want to become more familiar with the intellectual part of my brain. I feel like there is an entire world in there that only I can discover and only I can control. Its really hard to tell if my sub conscience thinks up all of this stuff and causes me to imagine it or if its something more than just that. Too many mysteries.

da Faaaam.

There is nothing bad I can say about my parents. They have done so much for me since I was born! I dont think I would take back any of my childhood experiences for anything. There are a few things I wish I would have done or wish I would have done better, but don't we all. They have given me everything I could have ever wanted or needed. I was one of the lucky ones that had a caring and loving family who was always there for me whenever I needed them. Yes, we did have our moments and a lot of things that were said were true or blown out of proportion but we all got over it and moved on and when we think back we laugh about how stupid our arguments were. I went from being a daughter to becoming their best friend. I know I didnt mention them on my best friends list because I didnt want to be repetitious. I am beginning to feel more comfortable talking to my family about my situations and problems a lot better than I use to. I have made a great impact on their life and marriage. If it wasnt for me they would have probably been divorced by now or something like that. Both of my brothers have also always been there for me when I needed them. If it werent for them, I never would have been introduced to music.

My grandma has always been there for me. She has probably been the most caring grandma anyone could ever ask for. I know if it weren't for me, there wouldn't have been any hope left in her. I am whats keeping her alive today. She may not be in the best of heath but shes probably in better health than about 85% of the world right now because she has family that loves and cares for her and is trying to do everything in the world to help her out. I know that I am her world and that I am probably the only one that can brighten her day up.

I feel like I should be a lot nicer.

My cousin Natalie, I would have to say is one of my best friends. I decided to just write about her here because I didn't want to be repetitious again. Natalie is extremely awesome. I miss her like crazy, she was always there when I needed her and would always help me out with advice for just about everything. I hated to see her move to Colorado because now she is so far away, just like Nadine. I hate that thats how everything has to work out but hopefully she will be back soon. We have been through soooo much together the past 3 or so years!!

Im writing these notes because Tiffany's have inspired me to write them.

Well, Ive had quite a few boyfriends and a lot of crushes. Ive never really had a serious relationship with anyone and the closest one I had to a serious one ruined it by cheating, lying, stealing, spreading rumors, and tried to get with my best friends and cousin while we were dating. And while this was happening I was oblivious. After that, my trust in guys diminished almost completely. After that, I felt as though I had to have boyfriends just to keep me from getting depressed. That went on for about 8 months and after being taken advantage of, lied to, ignored, I just gave up on guys. And then guys would do random things to me while I was unconscience (in other words asleep) and it made me scared to sleep in the same room as any guys for the longest time. And the guy I fell hardest for didnt end up so well but I guess we are still pretty good friends. Also just when I thought I had found the right guy, he left and said when he came back we would try again. That never happened. Of course. Dont know why I ever thought it would. I honestly don't know why I even bother to trust guys anymore. Why can't for once I just be good enough for someone, someone that will stick by my side and not leave me in the dust. I know I shouldn't worry about it now, but it would be nice not to be ignored, taken advantage of, ect. I just felt like throwing all of this out there. Why do most guys have to ruin it for the good ones? Because now I can't really trust any guys because of most of the guys in my past.

Karma.

I dont like karma but I believe in it. It sucks when you are having a really good day and then the next day feels like the worse day of your life. I just know that it will happen. It always does. On top of that, its a Monday. Today has been such a great day! I got to spend it with some really great people and had a really great time. Now Im just chillin with a really awesome person. Yep.

Gotta keep ya updated.

So far, life isn't going to bad. It has ups and downs...and sometimes lefts and rights. Nothing ever stays in the center. I want it to but things just never happen like that. My classes are extremely stressful sometimes. Ill get to a point where Im just like, 'Im going to fail, this is impossible' to working my way slowly over the steep hill, but I end up making it. Im hoping in the end I end up making it. Its my long lost goal. I like to be successful at most of the things I do, even if I dont like it or if Im not any good at it. I want to say I worked my butt off to achieve it. I want to say that about this semester. I just cannot fail. Any of my classes. The class I spend the most time with is theory. It stresses me out to great lengths. Anybody in that class can say that. I know everyone has to take it but still. What also bothers me is when I complain about something thats extremely hard. Well, personally, I wouldn't say it was complaining. Maybe trying to get the word out there that I need help and then someone says "Stop complaining, all music majors have to go through it." That phrase really bothers me because not everyone has the same learning ability. I learn on a much slower pace than a lot of people. I cant help it but Im learning. This is one of the reasons Im afraid of speaking up also is because I will get accused of complaining, annoying, boring, or I will end up making someone angry. I find it better just to keep my mouth shut. I really like talking to people though and Im glad I have a couple of friends I can always go talk to if I need to tell them something which makes me feel good. Then there are the rest of the people out there who just don't really care to hear me out. I feel sometimes that I always go by without being heard by people. A few posts ago I talked about being invisible to the world. I still feel that way sometimes. Its like no one cares to know the deeper part of me. The deeper part that I want to be heard. Its all psychological. Everyone needs a person that they can trust with their innermost deepest thoughts. At this exact moment that person would probably be Nancy. I honestly dont know who else it would be. I just feel like I need that friend who will never criticize or judge no matter how big the circumstance and she definitely falls in that category. There are some other people that come close though. A lot of people just decide to stop talking to me. Once high school ended, it felt like all of my best friends dropped off of the earth. I have barely talked to any of them. I do try to keep in contact with some of them but its really hard so I don't really try. I do have my own life now and Im trying to live it. Most people I wont see until reunion or something or on Facebook. Yeah, well Im going to stop blogging for now and try to get some sleep. Long day of homework and studying in the morning. Night

I wish.

I wish I could tell you how I feel because maybe you like what you will hear. Maybe you already know. Personally I am kind of scared to tell you. I don't know how you will react. Or maybe you already knew. I dont know how you feel about me but I wish I did. Or maybe I don't. You give me butterflies in my stomach every time I see you. I enjoy spending time with you because I think you are an awesome person. I want to get to know you better. I want to become closer friends. I want to know your thoughts and feelings and trust me enough to share them with me. I want you to be there for me when I need you. There are endless things we can talk about, I just want to know that its okay to share them. I'm scared. Im scared of pushing too hard or trying to hard or ruining something like I always do. Im tired of being the person to ruin something good. I want to be the right person. Or maybe I should just give up the thought completely which may cause me to lose all hope of my happiness. I wish I didn't hurt my close friend by liking you. Or I wish that I wasn't so broken or so empty and lonely. I wish I was good enough for you.

I wish you know and I knew.

Busy busy busy

I have not even thought about writing a new blog lately. I have been so busy! Right now I should really go to sleep but I want to blog about college a little bit. Well so far, its going pretty good. Im taking just about 10 classes and only 17 hours. My classes keep me extremely busy. I am really enjoying everything...well, I enjoy my music classes a lot. I hope taking this many hours that I end up passing all my classes. I fee like I could work just a little bit harder though. I need to get away from the lazy feelings that take over sometimes. Other than that, I really dont know what else to really say. My mind is a little dead at the moment and Im not very good at thinking.

hmm...

Im not sure if anyone actually reads my blog anymore or whatever but I just wanted to update it. So about the guy that I liked at the end of last semester. Well, I still really like him which is kinda odd to keep liking guys, for me. I dont think he likes me anymore. At the end of last semester he said he liked me and that we would pick things back up once we got back, ect. Well as I suspected, that never happened. In a way Im still pretty sad about it. In fact it kinda tells me that even the most honest guys wont stay true to their word. It even makes me think, its not worth bothering with anymore but I wish there was someone that understands all of this and can help me with this situation. I feel like I should move on but something is holding me back. Im not sure what though. Something is keeping me from not thinking about it a lot. I just want to talk to someone about it. Its bursting out of me. I mainly want to talk to him about it...Im not sure. I would have to talk to the right person to find out.

What is reality?

What is reality really? Could it be that we are all in a long drawn out dream. I mean our sub-conscience could be what is causing us to live and to keep going. Our sub conscience controls us of everything we do and don't do. Think about it. We follow laws because our sub consciences tells us if we break them it will be wrong, whether we do it or not. Our brains function around sub conscience thinking. Our sub conscience has a mind of its own. Ever think about the voice in your head that you create to make it sound the way you want it to? You want it to sound like the voice you dream of having.

Death

What can I say about it? It sucks! Not like I would know or anything. For all I know death may be way better than living. But being stuck on earth and having to suffer the losses of your friends and people you know and grew up with really sucks. Maybe its the regret of not saying goodbye? Or not getting to hang out with them one last time. Maybe its the fact that they would ask me to hang out but I would always be gone or too busy? Why couldnt I ever find the time to hang out with her before she died? She asked me to a couple of times but why did I keep putting it off? Now all this regret has built up inside of me. I am too scared to release it because Im afraid to show my true feelings to people. I hate feeling like this. Why does a coward like me deserve to live when Lora has struggled her entire life just to be able to breathe? I need to become more appreciative of life instead of trying to rush through it and pass up great opportunities? You never know when its the last chance you will get to hang out with a friend or do something you enjoy....

Well whatever

Im sick of being here. I want to go back to commerce already. This is the most absolutely dreadful summer ever...well maybe last summer was...At least I had people to hang out with last summer. Anyone that cares to even bother talking to me lives almost 30 mins away but I just cant drive all the way over there everytime I want someone to hang with. Plus Im always left hanging...I wish people had better communication with each other. Maybe thats why there is so much fighting and violence. I wish it would just all disappear. I wish it wasnt so difficult for just about everything for everybody. I really need to get off of here and go be productive before it makes me even more depressed. I want to get away from it all.

Making things right?

Well I guess so? Im not sure. All I know is I'm ready to get back to college. 31 days is waaay too long to wait!!!

Disorders

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Dont forget that I also have Immature Personality Disorder :P

Future.

Most people have awful fears of spiders or heights or dying. No, one of my worst fears is the future. I have many other fears though, but the one that causes me from living a normal life is this one. I worry so much about it that sometimes I feel like Im just going to break down. I shouldnt worry about it! But just everything makes me worry, my classes if Ill pass them or not. If Im worthy enough to ever get married, or if I will ever get over my horrible fear of having sex? Going to the OBGYN, Having kids, Taking care of a family, Cooking, Cleaning, Being stuck doing all the crap I fear and dread!! Turning 70 and not being able to do anything anymore? Getting put in a nursing home because I cant take care of myself?? Why is all of this bothering me? This barely touches the surface of what bothers me!! I havent even got to things such as terrorism, rape, divorce, being broke and without a place to live, being kicked out of college, never getting a job, talking to people on the phone, being comfortable around people, getting close to someone and then they forget about me or leave me, loneliness, failing, living, dying...ect. The list never ends!!! Or the crazy stories I come up with in my head such as if I dont get home at a certain time I will get screamed and yelled at. Or if I say no to someone, they may hate me for things like not taking a friend some place or not helping someone out. I fear being judged. I fear I crave attention for all the wrong reasons. I feel like im writing this right now is because I want attention!!! Why do I feel that this is just a world full of hate?!?!!?! Why do i feel like I want someone to read this so badly?? There is no reason why I need someone right now. There is no reason why I need any friends at all! Why do we need friends? To help us feel more comfortable? To help us feel like someone cares? Well in reality, no one really cares about another person. We are all just existing at the moment. We serve a purpose to have sex and make babies and over populate the world. Which are two things I fear the most about the future. I cant see the point of existing in this world. Why do we do the things we do? Why do I worry about this so much that it causes me from living a normal life? ALL I WANT IS SOME ANSWERS!!!!

Lonely

What do I want out of life? Im not so sure. I dont even know what I want tomorrow. My mind is changing constantly. From here on, Im not going to talk to anybody unless they talk to me first. I need to learn independence. If I can last one week, Im good. Yes, I am going to get pretty lonely but regardless I will be lonely. My blog is going to be the only way to contact me on the internet for a week. Talk to me on here or read what I have to say. Going to try this until midnight of next wednesday.

I dont know

I really dont know what to think about anything again. Im actually kind of homesick...I never thought I would ever want to go back. I think Im going back tomorrow. I can't handle all this loneliness anymore...it was fun at first but its not anymore. I dont think my friend enjoys being there anymore either. And its definitely not fun being there if nobody else enjoys it. I miss my friends a lot. I doubt any of them want to hang out with me anymore. I havent heard from any of them in a long time. Is it my fault? Or do they just not care about me anymore? Im ready to go back to Commerce. Im ready to get back to being busy all the time. I know this semester is going to be so busy. Ten classes?!!? Maybe more...not sure.

Left behind?

How come I am always feeling like Im never progressing in life? How come I feel this constant motion of never changing? I try so hard to make myself move forward but it doesnt seem to work. I love around at all of my friends and they all either have job, getting married, already married, getting boyfriends, getting awards scholarships, ect...everyone seems to be progressing. I am sitting in limbo right now, waiting. I cant get a job because Im apparently not even good enough to work at whataburger or run a cash register at a warehouse. Thats how life is treating me now. Plus on top of that, a lot of my friends dont really care to talk to me unless I text them first. Am I living in a constant state of feeling like Im still in high school? I even believe that I must follow my moms set of rules or I get in trouble. I cant seem to break free of this insanity!!! I cant even decide what I want out of life anymore! Am I living or am I just existing? I really want to know! I am trying to live but I live in constant worry and doubt and fear. I just want to have fun. I want to be able to enjoy life and enjoy what life has to offer and not worry about money or love or anything else. Why does this stuff bother me so much? Why do I wish my life had a set path to follow? I hate all this uncertainty. I really do. I wish I knew what was going to happen later on in life. Or do I really want to know? The future scares me dearly. I think I should go to bed and get ready for morning. Im getting pretty tired and all this stuff is depressing me!

Life

is so confusing sometimes. Why must everything, EVERYTHING, be so difficult? But what would life be if it was easy? Sometimes I feel like I just need a break. I stress out over everything way too much. I honestly cant help it. Ive tried so hard to. I dont like being an in between age, teenager and adult, Life is so hard because you dont know if you should still act like a kid or if you should act like an adult. Its exactly like when you are 12 except more grown up. Anyway, who decided that everyone should follow society's decisions? I want to know who said that society is always right? I think its about as theoretical as anything else in this world. I want to be able to do things without someone always telling me that its wrong or weird. It makes me angry and frustrated. Something else, I like to figure out what wrong and right for myself. Dont be like I told you so, just be there for me if I need someone to talk to. This is why Im not like that to other people, or I try not to be because I know how it feels and I know that people dont listen to my advice and I usually dont listen to other people. Well I listen I just dont do anything about it because I just like to find things out myself. Another thing I feel like I suffer from is depression. Not like serious depression but like I dont really enjoy anything anymore. Its like life is wearing out and Im growing bored with it. I feel like I will never progress to become something more than what I am now. I just realized out of all of my friends, Im the least talented. Its like I was born talentless. I was born weird and talentless, not the kind of person people really wanna be around. Im also really boring, unhappy and anxious all the time. I feel like people dont ever wanna be around me and thats why my friends never talk to me. Maybe that is the case or maybe I worry way too much :P I also feel like I am pushing people out of my life because I feel im not worth their time anymore. Oh well, Im going to start working on my independence from now on. Goodnight.

For now.

Yes, its summer and Im going to enjoy it to my fullest. Ignore the other post from the other day. I will stick with my original thoughts but for now they are going to the back of my mind. I found someone that I like and I enjoy being around them. As of right now, I dont see it becoming anything after I go back to school. Yes, I enjoy being around him and even as a friend he is really cool. Something may or may not become of it. Not sure yet. Its still pretty early in the summer. Why not pass the time and enjoy it with awesome people? Im not commited to anything at the moment except those internal promises to myself. Im not really looking for a long term relationship at the moment. Im going to wait for any of that until I go back to Commerce. Yeah, I just wanted to say this.

3rd wheel

Im always the third wheel in every friendship. I guess I can honestly say that I dont have a best friend. Maybe I dont need one. I have a bunch of close friends but all my close friends already have best friends. I have also realized that its too hard to have more than one best friend. One friend is always liked more than the other one. I guess this is testing my independence.

Im not much of a fun person to hang out with.

I feel like Im always trying to hard.

I crave attention because Im scared I will lose my friends because once they find out Im not interesting anymore than Im not worth being friends with.

I just end up being annoying.

Yep.

A lot of thinking.

Well I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. Last night at Overflow really helped me make some decisions. I never thought that going to one would help me decide on what I should do. One thing that really stuck out to me was pray when you lust. I feel like I have been doing a lot of lusting lately and losing focus of what I should really be concentrating on. I should really be concentrating on the person I really like. It doesnt matter that they have left to go far away for 2 months. I am strong enough to wait and be patient. I going to keep telling myself that. I really want to make this work and hope I dont go crazy. If it doesnt work because they decide that they don't like me anymore or moved on or whatever the reason, well at least I want to say I got something out of it. Patience. Also the fact that I have proved to myself that I can do it. I can wait. I know in the end if that happens, I will probably feel stupid for not doing anything over the summer but oh well. I have the rest of my life to find out everything. Its not a good thing to know everything right now anyhow. It takes away the fun of life and the mystery. I need to just be happy right now and resist temptations and lust.

Ill blog more later. My hand is hurting.

Lets say the last post before this just doesnt exist anymore...Im going to stick with what I told myself I would from now on...

Frustration.

Just when I think I have everything sorted out and set in stone that my ways are not going to change, I guess the impatience in me just wont let me stay the way I want to be. They more I think about the whole situation I am, the more I want an answer. Just one little answer might solve everything, or ruin everything. I hate falling back into old problems, getting involved with high school stuff all over again. Or breaking promises. Promises to myself and semi promises to other people. I am not the type of person to break a promise. Maybe its my summer loneliness just catching up with me. Or maybe its something else? Im not sure. Im just going to let things play out for now and pray the problems dont get too big. Its not like some people are bothering to care right now anyhow, so why should it matter? its summer. Im going to live a little. Just til I get back to Commerce.

Today.

Is another one of those days where I woke up with that super lonely feeling again. Maybe it was caused from my dream last night. My dreams usually reflect how my day is going to be. I dont think Ive had a good dream the past few days. Last night I actually slept through the whole night though. The other night I kept waking up because I kept having dreams about some of the stupid fears I have other things that I worry about too much. Like I had a dream the other night about me being a college student helping out with the high school band but I was suppose to ride the bus with the band but I was just about to get on when I realized I had forgotten my shoes and socks and had to run all the way back home and get them. I didnt have my car so one of my friends parents offered me a ride. They drove really slow to the house and the buses had already left so I told them I was just going to drive up there. So I drove all the way to Dallas where they were having the contest and then I got there and I realized I had no idea what music I was playing or what parts I was playing, if I was even playing anything. So we all went in there to perform and I just stood there waiting to be told what to do and it never happened and I woke up right after they told the band they made a 3 because it was my fault. Ugh. It took me forever to fall back asleep and when I did I fell straight back into another awful dream about my grandma. I dreamed that she died and came back as a ghost to live in her house and tell me how to clean again and that she let her dog free to roam around the house and pee everywhere once again. That caused me to wake up once again. Once I finally got around to falling back to sleep, I started to dream about the guy I really like that Im waiting for and how he decided that he stopped liking me and talking to me because he started to like someone else. It caused me to wake up once again and then I ended up falling asleep a few minutes and later and started dreaming about how I tried going back to Commerce to go band camp for colorgaurd and after the first day, they decided I wasnt good at all so they decided to kick me off and told me to go back to percussion. So then I was put back on the front ensemble and no one I knew from the year before was there and they were all rude and I was stuck on the worse thing possible because I sucked. I ended up waking up with fake stomach cramps this time and this time I couldnt fall back asleep. The next night, I dont remember any of the dreams I had but I kept dreaming about dreary events, I remember that. I just remember the emotion of how I felt not actual clear images. Then last night I remember that I was dreaming about a mexican cafe that was at the end of my road and me and a few friends went to go hang out down there. It was mostly Terrell people that I never hung out with but it was like they were my best friends and no one else that had been my close friends was there. I remember this one guy kept breaking things and messing up things, like her tried to unhinge the table and then he kept throwing things at the waiters. Then he kept trying to hold my hand. That bothered me. Then it changed scenes to where we were all walking outside and then the road had been dug up and we couldnt walk back to my house. So then we ended up at someone elses house. I think it was this old ladys house and we did something there, cant remember what. Then it changed to where we were in someones backyard and all of the sudden I was apparently going out with this one chick that I havent talked to in over a year. But I wasnt lesbian. Then everyone dissapeared and I was alone. Everything turned grey. Turns out I never had any real friends in my dreams. Everyone just kind of left me there because no one really cared. I have not really liked my dreams the past few days. They make me feel depressed and they wont let me sleep at night!

Reasons why?

I chose my major:

There are several things I can factor into as in why I chose my major. Many thoughts are popping into my head at the moment. I guess we can begin at the beginning?

I had trouble choosing a college. It was between pretty much any Texas college you can picture in your mind at the moment. On top of that, I had no idea what I wanted to major in. I was dead set on photography for a really long time but when I heard that there isnt really any job security in that profession I immediately wanted to consider something else. My next thought was business. I checked out UNT's business program and I was really considering it. I really enjoyed about learning all the aspects of the business world. It also had good job security and it was a normal profession to go into. My only problem was I lacked the knowledge of high level math skills that I would need. On top of that, I realized that I could not handle working inside a cubical the rest of my life. I needed to be free and around people that were interesting. I kept thinking and thinking. I would think on it for days and days at a time. I would change my mind back and forth. I just couldnt come up with anything. I knew that all I had going for me was music. I really enjoyed every aspect of music. I really didnt know much about it at all. In fact I barely touched the tip of the ice burg in music. And there is a pretty LARGE amount of ice burg underneath the water. Larger than you can imagine. I never really thought much about it either until I actually got to college. Well, deadlines for everything were drawing near and I still had not made up my mind on what to do. I also still hadn't chosen a college. Everything was closing in and I couldnt breathe! I needed to come to a solution QUICK. The next day at school my band director talked to me about my friend Lauren going to TAMU - Commerce to major in Elementary Music Education. It was something I had never heard about in my life before. Or it was something I had never thought much about. Commerce specializes in Elementary Music Ed. When he first introduced me the major I was like, "Psh, I could never teach, Im a terrible teacher!" Then I started to think about it. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of becoming an Elementary School Music Teacher. It was unique and different. Something safe but out of the ordinary. I decided to audition for the School of Music at Commerce as a percussionist. Well, they didnt accept me but I was still determined to get into the program. I decided that Commerce was the school for me, as odd as that sounds. They didnt accept me into the music program. For some reason though, I knew I still had a chance. I was determined to work my butt off my first semester of college and get into the music program. I come to find out, unlike most people that get into the music program, that I really enjoy classes such as Music Theory and all of the core classes. I also come to find out that after 8 years of doing percussion, that it just wasnt my thing. And I still didnt get accepted into the percussion studio! But that didnt get me down, I just found a new passion - Vocal! People said I had talent to be in there. Never had a vocal lesson in my life or ever been in high school choir or anything. I had done church choir and church choir camps which were fun but other than that no training. I am more talented with singing than I am with percussion. I had just found that out at the right time and I feel that I had made the right decision. When I first auditioned for the vocal studio, I had no idea what to expect. I didnt get accepted but they put me on probation which is better than getting turned down completely, thank goodness! I was so glad to have a second chance at the music program. At the end of my second semester when we did our juries, I got accepted on the spot. I have got to say that it was the happiest day of my life! That where I found my true passion in life and its something I really enjoy - MUSIC!

Music and Arts in schools

As a person who is studying music education as an undergrad, the way I see it in the education world is music and arts are a vital importance in a person life. Expressing yourself is one way to grow an expand on your thoughts. People who understand and participate in musical and artistic activities are more likely to be a better person and more widely knowledgeable. It is also believed that if your begin in your early childhood by listening to various types of music or becoming involved with some sort of instrument or drawing or sculpting that you are more likely to grow up being a more well-rounded, knowledgeable person who is able to gather information a lot better. The arts helps you understand subjects such as english and math a whole lot better because of the higher level of thinking music and arts require. If we got rid of our arts programs in america we would be left with uncreativity and a lot of students who want to quit school. On top of that, usually the music and arts programs have the higher educated and more disciplined teachers. At least thats what it was like at my high school and a lot of other high schools around us. If it werent for our music and arts teachers, people wouldnt be able to find out what their life is good for. Isnt that what living in America should be about? Having the opportunity to following your dreams? All teachers want their students to be successful in life and go on to college or get a career of some sort. Without music and arts, there would not be any dreams to find. Think about it. I am a person who strongly believes in supporting the arts program and I will fight to the end to do all I can to support it. Every subject in school is just as important as the other one. I do not believe that one subject more important. Everyone needs them equally to get a quality education. English and math are very vital to this nation but I would say it shouldnt have a lot more emphasis on it causing other subjects to be cut. Just because music and the arts do not equal to objective learning doesnt mean that they are less important. Thats all I have to say. I sent this to someone's blog earlier.

Ask me anything

Free Land!

So today during my first government class, we had to create an interesting point between choosing either Free Land or Leader Land. I thought it was a creative idea to get our brains thinking. One side of the room was Free land and the other side was Leader Land. Free Land was pretty much what it meant; no rules, no government or anything. Sums it all up to pure anarchists. Or the other side was pure Socialism. See, Im no where near either of those. If I were to choose I would be almost dead center but slightly to the Free Land side. Now I am definitely not saying that Im anywhere near an anarchist. My pure political belief is that, everyone should be accountable for themselves and make their own decisions, to an extent. Government is good. It creates a sense of fear over other people to keep people in line. But then too much government can create fear for a person to express themselves and soon they just become a number and exactly equal to the person next to you. Its good to have equality to an extent in this world but if we were all purely equal, wouldnt this world be kind of boring? Who wants to live their whole life being told how to dress, how to act, how to think? This is where the anarchy in me comes in. I like trying to figure out life on my own and try to make what I want out of it. It give me a sense of growth and empowerment that life is better than being under a strict set of rules. A lot of people say that pure socialism would be good for the world because then everything would be perfect. Perfect for who? yes, it would be a very safe environment but where is the adventure? The creativity? The color? Some references to this would be The Giver, Tattoo, Uglies, Pretties and the rest of the series or even Farenheit 451...all are very good books about Socialism and I highly recommend. On the other side, with rules and laws, we have a guideline to something we can follow. Rules and laws are something we can abide by to helps us and to keep us safe. Not enough rules and laws will cause chaos and craziness. We would have murderers and killers and rapists out hurting or killing people. We would live in fear of ever leaving our homes. I cant really think of an example at the moment. You think that our Government might fall apart but it wont. We have a pretty strong Government. Not saying they are making the best decisions in the world. Im a pretty strong Republican even though my parents are Democrats. But thats not the point! What Im saying is, we are going to hold on strong no matter how broken we become. We have one of the best government systems you can ask for and we take it all for granted. Yes we are all going through a hard time with money and everything like that. I would write more but if I start on something else now Ill never stop! Well Im hoping to continue liking my government class. it helped inspire my writing.

Glee

Im over whatever was going on with me last night. I guess its just the lonely part of summer starting to hit. Everything I say is probably just an overreaction to everything. Well I just finished watching all the episodes of Glee and I have got to say, most amazing show ever! Im guessing the season finale is next tuesday. I will be there waiting to watch it. So Glee has got me thinking about a lot of things in my life at the moment. I wish that in high school I would have had the opportunity to do the things they do. I know its just a TV show and a lot of the things that go on in it are pretty much super enhanced to what real life would really be. A very stereotypical show. But what I see behind all of the stereotypical-ness, I see problems people face everyday in their lives whether it be someone getting made fun of because of their sexuality or being told how to dress, or falling for all the wrong people. Those are all some of the problems that we see a lot. I dont know, after watching Glee, it made me become more depressed. Haha. This is why I dont watch tv, I get too involved into it and it starts to change the way I think about things and it starts affecting me in crazy ways. I wish there were more Glee episodes. I guess Im kind of obsessed now. Anyway! I have class tonight. Lame. I just ready for it to be overwith. Ill find something inspiring to blog about tonight, thats NOT depressing or downgrading myself because there are a LOT of people who have way worse problems. Im going to continually think about that throughout the rest of the day and the rest of my life. I guess I just always need reassurance. The lack of it is my weakness. Well have a good evening!

Invisibility.

I never realized until now how invisible and forgettable to people I really am. I guess I never really thought much about it. Maybe stupid facebook is getting to me. There have been many occasions where I want to delete it, or maybe just delete most of the people on it. I dont know why I have so many friends on there anyhow. About 98% of them dont talk to me. I know everyone on there but I dont talk to hardly any of them except the select few people from college. Maybe I thought having more friends would help me to get to know people or talk to people more, or better yet, give people a chance to talk to me. Maybe its worked a couple of times but in reality, just about everyone besides a select few people, really dont seem to care much about me. I should just concentrate on those select people that do care. I pretty much rely on the few people to talk to me, half of them do, half of them dont. I usually wait for the other person to talk first. Everytime I try to build a friendship, somehow it ends up somewhere out in the beyond nowhere. Its like I cant keep any of my friends. I have no idea if its me or if its the other person or if things just werent meant to be. I can pretty much say Ive only kept one high school friend close and Im trying my hardest to keep that friendship alive because I would rather have one really close friend that will always be there for me rather than a bunch of friends who might be there for me occasionally. I have one close soon to be at my college friend who Im also trying to keep as one of my close friends. I wouldnt want to lose her because she will be one of my closest friends going into my sophomore year of my college. I am also trying to gain and regain a few friendships this summer. I want to keep everyone I care about close. I feel like most of the time, I care about a lot of people WAY more than they care about me. Im so sick of giving my trust to people and they turn their back on me like I never mattered to them. That includes pretty much all but one of my high school friends and a few of my college friends. I guess I just feel so alone and I cant seem to find anybody that really cares. Ive always just been that one invisible person that nobody even makes fun of, throws stuff at, or anything to really be acknowledged. Yes I do get made fun of to my face and I usually laugh along because my friends will joke with me about stuff I say thats stupid and whatever. But for some strange reason I have always wanted to get made fun of in front of others or humiliated or something. At least that shows that I truly exist. My thing is, I dont even think people talk bad about me, or good. At least Ive never heard any kind of rumor or anything about myself and I usually find stuff out without super difficulty. Actually most of the time nobody ever really gave me the time of day. I guess thinking back on all of this, it actually does kind of make me feel humiliated. So there. I guess it worked. I should have done something different to make myself stand out more. Whats weird is until I came to college I never really heard anyone even say my name. It actually felt kind of weird to hear people say it. Im still getting use to the fact that people care more about me in college than they did in high school though. That was a huge step for me. I feel so much more exposed in college and I like it a lot more. I just hope Im not doing anything wrong. I just wish I could get people to notice me more. I eat up attention and lately Ive done a lot to try and get it as much as possible. In a good way, I guess. Well Im just rambling now. I think I should go to bed. I just got done watching episode 15 of Glee. Only 5-6 more to go...Sad actually...I wish there were a lot more, its such an amazing show!

Morals

Today I discovered that I have a lot of morals. My first one I discovered was that I have no interest in gambling. I dont care for it and I dont really care to be around it. I dont mind it and it doesnt really bother me though. I would rather learn how to play poker, roulette, or blackjack or something of that nature. It looks interesting and skillful to a point. My other moral is, I hate being around smoke and I hate being around the smell of smoke that been covered up with some kind of other smell. It feel heavy and it makes me sick to my stomach. Also, last night my mom offered me a taste of liquor to see if it was any good but I refused because I just cant get myself to try it. It just doesnt seem to interest me in any way. Especially when the bottle says its chocolate flavored but its clear liquor. That makes it an even bigger turn off. Now lets get to the main point of this story. We were driving back from Oklahoma and when we got to Mckinney we almost hit this car that came up beside us while merging into one lane. Neither of us could decide which one should go first. We would go forward to get out of their way and they would do the same at the same time so we would stop. This happened a few times. Then they honked at us and then the car behind us started honking at us. We let the car beside us merge in front of us at that point. Then when it changed back to two lanes the car that was behind us gave us the finger and took off. My dad floored it and tried to hit their back end. My mom was all for it at that point also. She rolled down the window and was about to scream what the finger meant, at them. I was sitting there freaking out and telling them that they have lost their minds and to roll the window up and calm down. If you try to fight fire with fire, it will only create a bigger fire and thats what they were trying to do. All I said was the best thing was to do was to ignore them and move on. Nothing you can do. After that my parents were like, "you have way more morals than us." It made me laugh. My next thought was kind of immoral though. I was like "next time have a water gun ready and make it look real that will teach people like those idiots never to give the finger to random people again." That started a whole new conversation about how my family almost got shot by some random crazy guy my mom knew. They had never told me that story as long as I have been alive. I was actually surprised that there had been some kind of action in my family. Too bad I found out that thats the reason they are terrified of guns and disapprove strongly of them. I have been wanting to try target practicing for a while now. I kinda wish my family was still into the crazy scene. Even though the shenanigan that happened tonight kind of made me want to find a rock and hide under it.

Traveling

Traveling somewhere is suppose to be an adventure. Its never that for my parents. They dont explore or find new places to go. Its always the casinos they want to go to. They want to stick with a safe routine. What adventure is that? Im the type of person who will try to go out of their way to find an awesome place to go to. I have done it quite a few times and with only spend 200 dollars or less. Sometimes even free. But what do my parents do? They go to work, they come home and sit and watch tv, then complain to me when I dont clean the house or watch tv with them. What fun is that? I should enjoy being at home because for one, I actually have a home. Im not saying being at home is ever a bad thing, I just dont like to fall into routine. I will change at least one thing up everyday just to avoid making everyday the same. No matter what it is. Taking a different path somewhere, waking up at an odd time, talking to new person I had just met. There is always something new to be discovered and I want to be the one to discover it!

Blah Blah Blah

I dont really know what to write tonight. I kind of just want to say that I feel a little lonely and heart broken at the moment. Im sure all of that will pass by morning. I just miss him and he's far away right now and Im sure he really doesnt miss me. He has barely talked to me in about 4 weeks. I feel empty inside, like a part of me is missing. I really wish I could have got to see him one last time before he left but I guess I wasnt meant to for now. Its just a shock to me that such a great person wants to be a part of my life and then suddenly they don't. I can understand the leave of absence but what I cant understand is why all conversations cease for now? It really hurts inside. I really need to find something to keep me occupied until August. This summer is starting to become a real drag.

I know

I shouldnt let small things get to me. And I usually dont but when I actually put forth effort to do something, I would like the tiniest bit of appreciation. But Im the only one that gets excluded. Whatever. Im over it. There are way better people in the world. Im going to go watch Glee now.

Urge.

I have had this sudden urge all day to just travel somewhere. I really dont care where anymore, just somewhere far enough from home...It doesnt matter if its just Dallas. I want to explore something new, something different. Its eating me inside. I want to explore something dangerous, or something serene. Something fast paced, something calm. A new neighborhood, a crowded city. A new adventure.

Does

anyone know a good piece I can sing for a solo at my church??

Accomplished!

I have mowed two yards today!! I weedeated and cut bushes. On top of that I earned money and became more resistant to heat :] The best part about the day was practicing my colorguard stuff! I had an epiphany earlier today about how to toss the flag and suddenly it just came to me. I feel so much better now that I can do that :]

Two new goals to add to my goal list-

1)practice colorguard at least an hour a day (if Im not busy)

2)go running every morning at 6 am (walk to the track, jog/run a mile, walk back)

Starting monday, I will make this work...New beginnings are about to happen :] i will make the rest of this year great!

Yep.

Today was very accomplishing! I mowed two yards...earned 30 dollars at one place and supposedly 40 at my houe. still convincing my mom! Im very exhausted at the moment though. I need something to write about for my blog...someone give me an idea, please?

Grr.

I hate that when you are having a good day and then certain things always have to go mess it up for you. Small things, such as going outside to enjoy the weather before it starts getting ridiculously hot, and I ended up getting bit 3 times within two minutes by mosquitos. I would have to load myself down with bug spray before I can even step foot into the outdoors...What fun is that, really? Then my friend texts me asking me to hang out. The only problem is, she lives 30 minutes away and I have had to use a lot of gas lately to drive out to her house and stuff. So I check my bank account and Im down almost 4, 000 from last summer. 1,000 from three months ago when I last checked. I really really need that job or I wont be able to do anything when I go back to school, if i even get to go back now. Lets pray that I get financial aid of some sort when I get these papers sent in. Im sorry the whole money situation kind of put me into a depression. I really really need that job now!

Wonder

Wonder if you lost someone you cared about dearly and never got the chance to say goodbye? Or in fact, you spent your whole life not appreciating all they did for you, never showing that you loved or cared about them? Will it eat you alive inside wanting to say just one more thing to them? Wanting to know just a few bits more of information? Well wonder if you got that moment to do that? Would you? What would you say?

Well then...

Time to write about my day today.

It started out pretty good. I reluctantly rolled out of bed at 11am just in time to watch my favorite show, Jeopardy. It is pretty much the only show on TV I am always willing to watch. After that I quickly got ready and went to go meet up with a few friends, a couple I haven't seen in over five months, to go eat at Los Hernandos. We did some major catching up with each other. It turned out to be quite an eventful afternoon. Soon after me and my friend Logan headed up to TVCC to sort out our schedule difficulties. When we finished with that I drove to Dallas to spend a couple of hours with my grandma at Baylor Hospital. It was a pretty fun visit. We did some catching up and I worked on some of my forms and stuff. Then I had to make the dreaded drive back. I ended up taking a detour to the other side of Dallas and back. I made it back just in time for church choir practice where I was told I would be leading hymns for 4 sundays. Its a big step for me into the music world (or at least thats what I think, a privilege, more like it) Then I found out me and my cousin are going to do a duet on Sunday. Excited, yet nervous. Ive never really sung harmony before. I feel like I sing sharp in my lower register. Well I guess I will just see how this goes on Sunday. Pray for me that it will go well, please.

Why?

Why is it that when I hear from you

my heart beats a million miles a minute?

Why is it that speaking to me

made me feel like I could fly out of this world?

Why is it that all of the sudden

my day brightens when you speak to me?

Why is it that I cant ever

get you out of my mind

no matter how hard I try?

Why is it?

You tell me.

Somebody's Prayin'

I have this song stuck in my head at the moment. It is just one of those songs that no matter how hard you try to get out of your head but it just doesn't work. Its just a song that speaks so strongly to me. I remember when I was singing it in choir it would get to one spot in the song and it makes me feel like Im crying out to the heavens. I feel like I see a light shining upon me reminding me that everything will be okay. I feel that empowerment so bad and I want it to become a part of me. I don't think any other song has ever got to me as much as that one has. It just speaks to me. Thats all.

Feelin it.

I just want to keep writing until my hands fall off. Its seems like at the moment, there is nothing else to do. I just want to speak my mind through typing and get it all out there. Well, Im not really looking forward to the rest of the summer anymore. In fact, I just straight up wish I was already back at Commerce with all of my friends and everything. I would probably even be happy if I had a job right now because quite frankly I really want to be productive and earn money. I dont know why it has to be so hard to get a job in this world. Everyone should work no matter how bad this economy is because people need to get off their lazy butts and do something with their lives. Then no one will be bored. Haha. Yeah. I get to go job hunting tomorrow. Day Three. Yay. Hopefully the few jobs Im looking at might work out....lets hope. I really need to get my mind off of everything in general. Need to get out of limbo and make something with the time I got now. I feel like Im getting deliberately ignored by people but its probably just all in my head. I hope I dont annoy people too bad. Sometimes I wish i could get some people to talk to me. Im always scared Im going to get in over my head with everything I get involved in. Especially coming up in the next week or two, when I have to start taking classes and especially when I get a job. If I have get one...I just have to get one! Hopefully I can handle it! Well Im just hoping to get through these next 3 months alive....

I need.

I need to keep this blog updated. I have had it for almost two years already but I almost forgot it existed til only about two months ago and I promised myself I would eventually get back to it one day.

Well I guess I will use this blog to use for my summer adventures and whatnot. My other blog is going to be for my poetry and story writing because Im guessing people would rather read that rather than what I have to talk about.

From the time I left Commerce, I thought this summer was going to be long, drawn out, and dreadful. I even spent the last few nights at Commerce almost going into depression because of just everything going downhill. I didnt want to let anyone know how I was feeling because there was no point in spoiling people's moods with my own. One thing I hate doing is saying goodbye. I am the type of person to just break down on the spot but I hide it well. Not once did I cry as I was getting ready to depart from all of my new friends that I had made this past year. Its a new record for me. I can say the time I started my elementary years until the time I graduated high school, I would always get extremely sad when it came to moving to the next level. This year, I didnt become sad until three days ago. Its been over a week since Ive been home. Ive been keeping myself really busy the past few days. I have been extremely active for the most part. The most lazy thing I have done was sit in bed and read for exactly 12 hours. I made sure I was going to finish the book, Tricks, in one day and I have got to say, it was one of the best books I have ever read. I would highly recommend it to someone looking for a really good book to read. Maybe its just that I am really into books about drug addictions or prostitution. I like to read and understand about it and the perception of how people feel when they are becoming addicted or overcoming addiction. I need to search through my other books to find something else to read while I still have time.