Invisibility.

I never realized until now how invisible and forgettable to people I really am. I guess I never really thought much about it. Maybe stupid facebook is getting to me. There have been many occasions where I want to delete it, or maybe just delete most of the people on it. I dont know why I have so many friends on there anyhow. About 98% of them dont talk to me. I know everyone on there but I dont talk to hardly any of them except the select few people from college. Maybe I thought having more friends would help me to get to know people or talk to people more, or better yet, give people a chance to talk to me. Maybe its worked a couple of times but in reality, just about everyone besides a select few people, really dont seem to care much about me. I should just concentrate on those select people that do care. I pretty much rely on the few people to talk to me, half of them do, half of them dont. I usually wait for the other person to talk first. Everytime I try to build a friendship, somehow it ends up somewhere out in the beyond nowhere. Its like I cant keep any of my friends. I have no idea if its me or if its the other person or if things just werent meant to be. I can pretty much say Ive only kept one high school friend close and Im trying my hardest to keep that friendship alive because I would rather have one really close friend that will always be there for me rather than a bunch of friends who might be there for me occasionally. I have one close soon to be at my college friend who Im also trying to keep as one of my close friends. I wouldnt want to lose her because she will be one of my closest friends going into my sophomore year of my college. I am also trying to gain and regain a few friendships this summer. I want to keep everyone I care about close. I feel like most of the time, I care about a lot of people WAY more than they care about me. Im so sick of giving my trust to people and they turn their back on me like I never mattered to them. That includes pretty much all but one of my high school friends and a few of my college friends. I guess I just feel so alone and I cant seem to find anybody that really cares. Ive always just been that one invisible person that nobody even makes fun of, throws stuff at, or anything to really be acknowledged. Yes I do get made fun of to my face and I usually laugh along because my friends will joke with me about stuff I say thats stupid and whatever. But for some strange reason I have always wanted to get made fun of in front of others or humiliated or something. At least that shows that I truly exist. My thing is, I dont even think people talk bad about me, or good. At least Ive never heard any kind of rumor or anything about myself and I usually find stuff out without super difficulty. Actually most of the time nobody ever really gave me the time of day. I guess thinking back on all of this, it actually does kind of make me feel humiliated. So there. I guess it worked. I should have done something different to make myself stand out more. Whats weird is until I came to college I never really heard anyone even say my name. It actually felt kind of weird to hear people say it. Im still getting use to the fact that people care more about me in college than they did in high school though. That was a huge step for me. I feel so much more exposed in college and I like it a lot more. I just hope Im not doing anything wrong. I just wish I could get people to notice me more. I eat up attention and lately Ive done a lot to try and get it as much as possible. In a good way, I guess. Well Im just rambling now. I think I should go to bed. I just got done watching episode 15 of Glee. Only 5-6 more to go...Sad actually...I wish there were a lot more, its such an amazing show!