Life

is so confusing sometimes. Why must everything, EVERYTHING, be so difficult? But what would life be if it was easy? Sometimes I feel like I just need a break. I stress out over everything way too much. I honestly cant help it. Ive tried so hard to. I dont like being an in between age, teenager and adult, Life is so hard because you dont know if you should still act like a kid or if you should act like an adult. Its exactly like when you are 12 except more grown up. Anyway, who decided that everyone should follow society's decisions? I want to know who said that society is always right? I think its about as theoretical as anything else in this world. I want to be able to do things without someone always telling me that its wrong or weird. It makes me angry and frustrated. Something else, I like to figure out what wrong and right for myself. Dont be like I told you so, just be there for me if I need someone to talk to. This is why Im not like that to other people, or I try not to be because I know how it feels and I know that people dont listen to my advice and I usually dont listen to other people. Well I listen I just dont do anything about it because I just like to find things out myself. Another thing I feel like I suffer from is depression. Not like serious depression but like I dont really enjoy anything anymore. Its like life is wearing out and Im growing bored with it. I feel like I will never progress to become something more than what I am now. I just realized out of all of my friends, Im the least talented. Its like I was born talentless. I was born weird and talentless, not the kind of person people really wanna be around. Im also really boring, unhappy and anxious all the time. I feel like people dont ever wanna be around me and thats why my friends never talk to me. Maybe that is the case or maybe I worry way too much :P I also feel like I am pushing people out of my life because I feel im not worth their time anymore. Oh well, Im going to start working on my independence from now on. Goodnight.

For now.

Yes, its summer and Im going to enjoy it to my fullest. Ignore the other post from the other day. I will stick with my original thoughts but for now they are going to the back of my mind. I found someone that I like and I enjoy being around them. As of right now, I dont see it becoming anything after I go back to school. Yes, I enjoy being around him and even as a friend he is really cool. Something may or may not become of it. Not sure yet. Its still pretty early in the summer. Why not pass the time and enjoy it with awesome people? Im not commited to anything at the moment except those internal promises to myself. Im not really looking for a long term relationship at the moment. Im going to wait for any of that until I go back to Commerce. Yeah, I just wanted to say this.

3rd wheel

Im always the third wheel in every friendship. I guess I can honestly say that I dont have a best friend. Maybe I dont need one. I have a bunch of close friends but all my close friends already have best friends. I have also realized that its too hard to have more than one best friend. One friend is always liked more than the other one. I guess this is testing my independence.

Im not much of a fun person to hang out with.

I feel like Im always trying to hard.

I crave attention because Im scared I will lose my friends because once they find out Im not interesting anymore than Im not worth being friends with.

I just end up being annoying.

Yep.

A lot of thinking.

Well I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. Last night at Overflow really helped me make some decisions. I never thought that going to one would help me decide on what I should do. One thing that really stuck out to me was pray when you lust. I feel like I have been doing a lot of lusting lately and losing focus of what I should really be concentrating on. I should really be concentrating on the person I really like. It doesnt matter that they have left to go far away for 2 months. I am strong enough to wait and be patient. I going to keep telling myself that. I really want to make this work and hope I dont go crazy. If it doesnt work because they decide that they don't like me anymore or moved on or whatever the reason, well at least I want to say I got something out of it. Patience. Also the fact that I have proved to myself that I can do it. I can wait. I know in the end if that happens, I will probably feel stupid for not doing anything over the summer but oh well. I have the rest of my life to find out everything. Its not a good thing to know everything right now anyhow. It takes away the fun of life and the mystery. I need to just be happy right now and resist temptations and lust.

Ill blog more later. My hand is hurting.

Lets say the last post before this just doesnt exist anymore...Im going to stick with what I told myself I would from now on...

Frustration.

Just when I think I have everything sorted out and set in stone that my ways are not going to change, I guess the impatience in me just wont let me stay the way I want to be. They more I think about the whole situation I am, the more I want an answer. Just one little answer might solve everything, or ruin everything. I hate falling back into old problems, getting involved with high school stuff all over again. Or breaking promises. Promises to myself and semi promises to other people. I am not the type of person to break a promise. Maybe its my summer loneliness just catching up with me. Or maybe its something else? Im not sure. Im just going to let things play out for now and pray the problems dont get too big. Its not like some people are bothering to care right now anyhow, so why should it matter? its summer. Im going to live a little. Just til I get back to Commerce.

Today.

Is another one of those days where I woke up with that super lonely feeling again. Maybe it was caused from my dream last night. My dreams usually reflect how my day is going to be. I dont think Ive had a good dream the past few days. Last night I actually slept through the whole night though. The other night I kept waking up because I kept having dreams about some of the stupid fears I have other things that I worry about too much. Like I had a dream the other night about me being a college student helping out with the high school band but I was suppose to ride the bus with the band but I was just about to get on when I realized I had forgotten my shoes and socks and had to run all the way back home and get them. I didnt have my car so one of my friends parents offered me a ride. They drove really slow to the house and the buses had already left so I told them I was just going to drive up there. So I drove all the way to Dallas where they were having the contest and then I got there and I realized I had no idea what music I was playing or what parts I was playing, if I was even playing anything. So we all went in there to perform and I just stood there waiting to be told what to do and it never happened and I woke up right after they told the band they made a 3 because it was my fault. Ugh. It took me forever to fall back asleep and when I did I fell straight back into another awful dream about my grandma. I dreamed that she died and came back as a ghost to live in her house and tell me how to clean again and that she let her dog free to roam around the house and pee everywhere once again. That caused me to wake up once again. Once I finally got around to falling back to sleep, I started to dream about the guy I really like that Im waiting for and how he decided that he stopped liking me and talking to me because he started to like someone else. It caused me to wake up once again and then I ended up falling asleep a few minutes and later and started dreaming about how I tried going back to Commerce to go band camp for colorgaurd and after the first day, they decided I wasnt good at all so they decided to kick me off and told me to go back to percussion. So then I was put back on the front ensemble and no one I knew from the year before was there and they were all rude and I was stuck on the worse thing possible because I sucked. I ended up waking up with fake stomach cramps this time and this time I couldnt fall back asleep. The next night, I dont remember any of the dreams I had but I kept dreaming about dreary events, I remember that. I just remember the emotion of how I felt not actual clear images. Then last night I remember that I was dreaming about a mexican cafe that was at the end of my road and me and a few friends went to go hang out down there. It was mostly Terrell people that I never hung out with but it was like they were my best friends and no one else that had been my close friends was there. I remember this one guy kept breaking things and messing up things, like her tried to unhinge the table and then he kept throwing things at the waiters. Then he kept trying to hold my hand. That bothered me. Then it changed scenes to where we were all walking outside and then the road had been dug up and we couldnt walk back to my house. So then we ended up at someone elses house. I think it was this old ladys house and we did something there, cant remember what. Then it changed to where we were in someones backyard and all of the sudden I was apparently going out with this one chick that I havent talked to in over a year. But I wasnt lesbian. Then everyone dissapeared and I was alone. Everything turned grey. Turns out I never had any real friends in my dreams. Everyone just kind of left me there because no one really cared. I have not really liked my dreams the past few days. They make me feel depressed and they wont let me sleep at night!

Reasons why?

I chose my major:

There are several things I can factor into as in why I chose my major. Many thoughts are popping into my head at the moment. I guess we can begin at the beginning?

I had trouble choosing a college. It was between pretty much any Texas college you can picture in your mind at the moment. On top of that, I had no idea what I wanted to major in. I was dead set on photography for a really long time but when I heard that there isnt really any job security in that profession I immediately wanted to consider something else. My next thought was business. I checked out UNT's business program and I was really considering it. I really enjoyed about learning all the aspects of the business world. It also had good job security and it was a normal profession to go into. My only problem was I lacked the knowledge of high level math skills that I would need. On top of that, I realized that I could not handle working inside a cubical the rest of my life. I needed to be free and around people that were interesting. I kept thinking and thinking. I would think on it for days and days at a time. I would change my mind back and forth. I just couldnt come up with anything. I knew that all I had going for me was music. I really enjoyed every aspect of music. I really didnt know much about it at all. In fact I barely touched the tip of the ice burg in music. And there is a pretty LARGE amount of ice burg underneath the water. Larger than you can imagine. I never really thought much about it either until I actually got to college. Well, deadlines for everything were drawing near and I still had not made up my mind on what to do. I also still hadn't chosen a college. Everything was closing in and I couldnt breathe! I needed to come to a solution QUICK. The next day at school my band director talked to me about my friend Lauren going to TAMU - Commerce to major in Elementary Music Education. It was something I had never heard about in my life before. Or it was something I had never thought much about. Commerce specializes in Elementary Music Ed. When he first introduced me the major I was like, "Psh, I could never teach, Im a terrible teacher!" Then I started to think about it. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of becoming an Elementary School Music Teacher. It was unique and different. Something safe but out of the ordinary. I decided to audition for the School of Music at Commerce as a percussionist. Well, they didnt accept me but I was still determined to get into the program. I decided that Commerce was the school for me, as odd as that sounds. They didnt accept me into the music program. For some reason though, I knew I still had a chance. I was determined to work my butt off my first semester of college and get into the music program. I come to find out, unlike most people that get into the music program, that I really enjoy classes such as Music Theory and all of the core classes. I also come to find out that after 8 years of doing percussion, that it just wasnt my thing. And I still didnt get accepted into the percussion studio! But that didnt get me down, I just found a new passion - Vocal! People said I had talent to be in there. Never had a vocal lesson in my life or ever been in high school choir or anything. I had done church choir and church choir camps which were fun but other than that no training. I am more talented with singing than I am with percussion. I had just found that out at the right time and I feel that I had made the right decision. When I first auditioned for the vocal studio, I had no idea what to expect. I didnt get accepted but they put me on probation which is better than getting turned down completely, thank goodness! I was so glad to have a second chance at the music program. At the end of my second semester when we did our juries, I got accepted on the spot. I have got to say that it was the happiest day of my life! That where I found my true passion in life and its something I really enjoy - MUSIC!

Music and Arts in schools

As a person who is studying music education as an undergrad, the way I see it in the education world is music and arts are a vital importance in a person life. Expressing yourself is one way to grow an expand on your thoughts. People who understand and participate in musical and artistic activities are more likely to be a better person and more widely knowledgeable. It is also believed that if your begin in your early childhood by listening to various types of music or becoming involved with some sort of instrument or drawing or sculpting that you are more likely to grow up being a more well-rounded, knowledgeable person who is able to gather information a lot better. The arts helps you understand subjects such as english and math a whole lot better because of the higher level of thinking music and arts require. If we got rid of our arts programs in america we would be left with uncreativity and a lot of students who want to quit school. On top of that, usually the music and arts programs have the higher educated and more disciplined teachers. At least thats what it was like at my high school and a lot of other high schools around us. If it werent for our music and arts teachers, people wouldnt be able to find out what their life is good for. Isnt that what living in America should be about? Having the opportunity to following your dreams? All teachers want their students to be successful in life and go on to college or get a career of some sort. Without music and arts, there would not be any dreams to find. Think about it. I am a person who strongly believes in supporting the arts program and I will fight to the end to do all I can to support it. Every subject in school is just as important as the other one. I do not believe that one subject more important. Everyone needs them equally to get a quality education. English and math are very vital to this nation but I would say it shouldnt have a lot more emphasis on it causing other subjects to be cut. Just because music and the arts do not equal to objective learning doesnt mean that they are less important. Thats all I have to say. I sent this to someone's blog earlier.

Ask me anything

Free Land!

So today during my first government class, we had to create an interesting point between choosing either Free Land or Leader Land. I thought it was a creative idea to get our brains thinking. One side of the room was Free land and the other side was Leader Land. Free Land was pretty much what it meant; no rules, no government or anything. Sums it all up to pure anarchists. Or the other side was pure Socialism. See, Im no where near either of those. If I were to choose I would be almost dead center but slightly to the Free Land side. Now I am definitely not saying that Im anywhere near an anarchist. My pure political belief is that, everyone should be accountable for themselves and make their own decisions, to an extent. Government is good. It creates a sense of fear over other people to keep people in line. But then too much government can create fear for a person to express themselves and soon they just become a number and exactly equal to the person next to you. Its good to have equality to an extent in this world but if we were all purely equal, wouldnt this world be kind of boring? Who wants to live their whole life being told how to dress, how to act, how to think? This is where the anarchy in me comes in. I like trying to figure out life on my own and try to make what I want out of it. It give me a sense of growth and empowerment that life is better than being under a strict set of rules. A lot of people say that pure socialism would be good for the world because then everything would be perfect. Perfect for who? yes, it would be a very safe environment but where is the adventure? The creativity? The color? Some references to this would be The Giver, Tattoo, Uglies, Pretties and the rest of the series or even Farenheit 451...all are very good books about Socialism and I highly recommend. On the other side, with rules and laws, we have a guideline to something we can follow. Rules and laws are something we can abide by to helps us and to keep us safe. Not enough rules and laws will cause chaos and craziness. We would have murderers and killers and rapists out hurting or killing people. We would live in fear of ever leaving our homes. I cant really think of an example at the moment. You think that our Government might fall apart but it wont. We have a pretty strong Government. Not saying they are making the best decisions in the world. Im a pretty strong Republican even though my parents are Democrats. But thats not the point! What Im saying is, we are going to hold on strong no matter how broken we become. We have one of the best government systems you can ask for and we take it all for granted. Yes we are all going through a hard time with money and everything like that. I would write more but if I start on something else now Ill never stop! Well Im hoping to continue liking my government class. it helped inspire my writing.

Glee

Im over whatever was going on with me last night. I guess its just the lonely part of summer starting to hit. Everything I say is probably just an overreaction to everything. Well I just finished watching all the episodes of Glee and I have got to say, most amazing show ever! Im guessing the season finale is next tuesday. I will be there waiting to watch it. So Glee has got me thinking about a lot of things in my life at the moment. I wish that in high school I would have had the opportunity to do the things they do. I know its just a TV show and a lot of the things that go on in it are pretty much super enhanced to what real life would really be. A very stereotypical show. But what I see behind all of the stereotypical-ness, I see problems people face everyday in their lives whether it be someone getting made fun of because of their sexuality or being told how to dress, or falling for all the wrong people. Those are all some of the problems that we see a lot. I dont know, after watching Glee, it made me become more depressed. Haha. This is why I dont watch tv, I get too involved into it and it starts to change the way I think about things and it starts affecting me in crazy ways. I wish there were more Glee episodes. I guess Im kind of obsessed now. Anyway! I have class tonight. Lame. I just ready for it to be overwith. Ill find something inspiring to blog about tonight, thats NOT depressing or downgrading myself because there are a LOT of people who have way worse problems. Im going to continually think about that throughout the rest of the day and the rest of my life. I guess I just always need reassurance. The lack of it is my weakness. Well have a good evening!

Invisibility.

I never realized until now how invisible and forgettable to people I really am. I guess I never really thought much about it. Maybe stupid facebook is getting to me. There have been many occasions where I want to delete it, or maybe just delete most of the people on it. I dont know why I have so many friends on there anyhow. About 98% of them dont talk to me. I know everyone on there but I dont talk to hardly any of them except the select few people from college. Maybe I thought having more friends would help me to get to know people or talk to people more, or better yet, give people a chance to talk to me. Maybe its worked a couple of times but in reality, just about everyone besides a select few people, really dont seem to care much about me. I should just concentrate on those select people that do care. I pretty much rely on the few people to talk to me, half of them do, half of them dont. I usually wait for the other person to talk first. Everytime I try to build a friendship, somehow it ends up somewhere out in the beyond nowhere. Its like I cant keep any of my friends. I have no idea if its me or if its the other person or if things just werent meant to be. I can pretty much say Ive only kept one high school friend close and Im trying my hardest to keep that friendship alive because I would rather have one really close friend that will always be there for me rather than a bunch of friends who might be there for me occasionally. I have one close soon to be at my college friend who Im also trying to keep as one of my close friends. I wouldnt want to lose her because she will be one of my closest friends going into my sophomore year of my college. I am also trying to gain and regain a few friendships this summer. I want to keep everyone I care about close. I feel like most of the time, I care about a lot of people WAY more than they care about me. Im so sick of giving my trust to people and they turn their back on me like I never mattered to them. That includes pretty much all but one of my high school friends and a few of my college friends. I guess I just feel so alone and I cant seem to find anybody that really cares. Ive always just been that one invisible person that nobody even makes fun of, throws stuff at, or anything to really be acknowledged. Yes I do get made fun of to my face and I usually laugh along because my friends will joke with me about stuff I say thats stupid and whatever. But for some strange reason I have always wanted to get made fun of in front of others or humiliated or something. At least that shows that I truly exist. My thing is, I dont even think people talk bad about me, or good. At least Ive never heard any kind of rumor or anything about myself and I usually find stuff out without super difficulty. Actually most of the time nobody ever really gave me the time of day. I guess thinking back on all of this, it actually does kind of make me feel humiliated. So there. I guess it worked. I should have done something different to make myself stand out more. Whats weird is until I came to college I never really heard anyone even say my name. It actually felt kind of weird to hear people say it. Im still getting use to the fact that people care more about me in college than they did in high school though. That was a huge step for me. I feel so much more exposed in college and I like it a lot more. I just hope Im not doing anything wrong. I just wish I could get people to notice me more. I eat up attention and lately Ive done a lot to try and get it as much as possible. In a good way, I guess. Well Im just rambling now. I think I should go to bed. I just got done watching episode 15 of Glee. Only 5-6 more to go...Sad actually...I wish there were a lot more, its such an amazing show!

Morals

Today I discovered that I have a lot of morals. My first one I discovered was that I have no interest in gambling. I dont care for it and I dont really care to be around it. I dont mind it and it doesnt really bother me though. I would rather learn how to play poker, roulette, or blackjack or something of that nature. It looks interesting and skillful to a point. My other moral is, I hate being around smoke and I hate being around the smell of smoke that been covered up with some kind of other smell. It feel heavy and it makes me sick to my stomach. Also, last night my mom offered me a taste of liquor to see if it was any good but I refused because I just cant get myself to try it. It just doesnt seem to interest me in any way. Especially when the bottle says its chocolate flavored but its clear liquor. That makes it an even bigger turn off. Now lets get to the main point of this story. We were driving back from Oklahoma and when we got to Mckinney we almost hit this car that came up beside us while merging into one lane. Neither of us could decide which one should go first. We would go forward to get out of their way and they would do the same at the same time so we would stop. This happened a few times. Then they honked at us and then the car behind us started honking at us. We let the car beside us merge in front of us at that point. Then when it changed back to two lanes the car that was behind us gave us the finger and took off. My dad floored it and tried to hit their back end. My mom was all for it at that point also. She rolled down the window and was about to scream what the finger meant, at them. I was sitting there freaking out and telling them that they have lost their minds and to roll the window up and calm down. If you try to fight fire with fire, it will only create a bigger fire and thats what they were trying to do. All I said was the best thing was to do was to ignore them and move on. Nothing you can do. After that my parents were like, "you have way more morals than us." It made me laugh. My next thought was kind of immoral though. I was like "next time have a water gun ready and make it look real that will teach people like those idiots never to give the finger to random people again." That started a whole new conversation about how my family almost got shot by some random crazy guy my mom knew. They had never told me that story as long as I have been alive. I was actually surprised that there had been some kind of action in my family. Too bad I found out that thats the reason they are terrified of guns and disapprove strongly of them. I have been wanting to try target practicing for a while now. I kinda wish my family was still into the crazy scene. Even though the shenanigan that happened tonight kind of made me want to find a rock and hide under it.

Traveling

Traveling somewhere is suppose to be an adventure. Its never that for my parents. They dont explore or find new places to go. Its always the casinos they want to go to. They want to stick with a safe routine. What adventure is that? Im the type of person who will try to go out of their way to find an awesome place to go to. I have done it quite a few times and with only spend 200 dollars or less. Sometimes even free. But what do my parents do? They go to work, they come home and sit and watch tv, then complain to me when I dont clean the house or watch tv with them. What fun is that? I should enjoy being at home because for one, I actually have a home. Im not saying being at home is ever a bad thing, I just dont like to fall into routine. I will change at least one thing up everyday just to avoid making everyday the same. No matter what it is. Taking a different path somewhere, waking up at an odd time, talking to new person I had just met. There is always something new to be discovered and I want to be the one to discover it!