Everytime.

Everytime I see you, it hurts because I know I can't be with you.

I feel a pain deep inside that just cuts deeper.

You may not see it, but I can feel it slowly killing me inside.

Ripping me apart, deeper and deeper.

Slicing through every bone in my body like a sharp cold knife.

I want to tell you how it feels.

I want to let you know.

But the longer I wait the harder it is

and the more you slip away.

I thought what we had was special and that you were being honest.

You make me not know what to believe in anymore.

I cant trust anyone because I trusted you.

Why do I always do this to myself.

Why do I fall into the trap of trusting someone else?

I want to let you know how I feel

so you can share my pain.

Being a guy.

I personally think being a guy would be so much easier. They live to be simple. Now being a woman is the most complicated thing ever. First they gotta deal with always having to look pretty. If they dont look pretty enough, people complain. Women get shot down which takes their self a esteem to a low level and then they MUST look pretty before they go out in public. They HAVE to have their hair nice and they HAVE to wear more than a small amount of make up. If they dont live up to those standards, they are looked down on as 'lazy', 'unkept', 'unattractive'. What happen to natural beauty?? Why must a person feel so insecure about going out into the world unless they have a buttload of makeup on. All makeup does is eventually make your eyes saggy and wrinkly causing you to wear even more make up to cover it up. Am I really that unkept for a lot of people to complain about me constantly?? Seriously? I take a shower, I smell good, I have decent clothes, my hair is not that freakishly awful. Just because I dont wear makeup does not make me ugly. I would rather be able not to wear makeup in public rather than depending on it for the rest of my life. Those are just two of the many things I dont like about being a woman. Living up to the standards of other people through beauty.

Number 3. I hate periods. They are the most God-awful dreaded thing on this planet. I want to get rid of them. Every other woman would probably agree with me on that one. They are pointless and stupid. At least from my perspective.

Number 4 I hate cramps. They are right up there with periods except maybe WORSE! They are just plain painful and miserable. I think I wouldnt mind periods if cramps didnt come with the package.

Number 5 Pregnancy. I dont konw about other people but they last thing I want to happen is to get pregnant. Looks miserable and painful and I dont think I could deal with a child inside of me for nine months. It scares the living daylights out of me! I like children but I still hold firm to adopting. Plus I dont think I want someone looking at my vag. That just creeps me out more than being prego.

Number 6 Pap smears. I think I would rather be prego. I very very very much dread the day I have to go get one. I pick getting 50 shots over getting a pap smear done. I think I will cry the whole time, freak out, or maybe I will be allowed to be drugged up so I dont panic like crazy because I will. Oh, I know I will. I think going to the doctor or dentist is bad enough. Even waiting to get my hair cut makes me panic. Dont know what ill do when that day comes

Number 7 Hair. I want to chop it all off and never deal with it again. Its annying and people complain about the way it looks

Number 8 Sex. I think sex would be super painful and scary. Especially since I have a very bad fear of tampons or just inserting anything in general. All guys have to worry bout is sticking it in right. No pain and all pleasure for them.

These are all reasons that make me wish I were a guy.

crazy.

Sometimes I feel as though I may have a small percentage of insanity in me. Im always coming up with theories but nothing to back them up. A lot of them I feel to believe are true. Dreams for instance are an extremely curious spectrum of the rainbow for me. I like reading about symbolistic views of dreams. They fascinate me. really dreams can be anything you want them to be, as long as you understand how they work. Last night I had a very interesting dream. Some parts of it were about how I could control what people do even though I wasn't fully controlling them. I had a dream about inception also but it wasn't about the movie. It was about me incepting into someone elses thoughts to subconsciously get myself to control what they are doing without me controlling them. I also remember all this happening in my back yard and it was an overcast with the hint of rain trying to come through. I know this probably doesnt make sense to anyone that it reading this but it all makes sense in my head. I feel like I really want to become more familiar with the intellectual part of my brain. I feel like there is an entire world in there that only I can discover and only I can control. Its really hard to tell if my sub conscience thinks up all of this stuff and causes me to imagine it or if its something more than just that. Too many mysteries.

da Faaaam.

There is nothing bad I can say about my parents. They have done so much for me since I was born! I dont think I would take back any of my childhood experiences for anything. There are a few things I wish I would have done or wish I would have done better, but don't we all. They have given me everything I could have ever wanted or needed. I was one of the lucky ones that had a caring and loving family who was always there for me whenever I needed them. Yes, we did have our moments and a lot of things that were said were true or blown out of proportion but we all got over it and moved on and when we think back we laugh about how stupid our arguments were. I went from being a daughter to becoming their best friend. I know I didnt mention them on my best friends list because I didnt want to be repetitious. I am beginning to feel more comfortable talking to my family about my situations and problems a lot better than I use to. I have made a great impact on their life and marriage. If it wasnt for me they would have probably been divorced by now or something like that. Both of my brothers have also always been there for me when I needed them. If it werent for them, I never would have been introduced to music.

My grandma has always been there for me. She has probably been the most caring grandma anyone could ever ask for. I know if it weren't for me, there wouldn't have been any hope left in her. I am whats keeping her alive today. She may not be in the best of heath but shes probably in better health than about 85% of the world right now because she has family that loves and cares for her and is trying to do everything in the world to help her out. I know that I am her world and that I am probably the only one that can brighten her day up.

I feel like I should be a lot nicer.

My cousin Natalie, I would have to say is one of my best friends. I decided to just write about her here because I didn't want to be repetitious again. Natalie is extremely awesome. I miss her like crazy, she was always there when I needed her and would always help me out with advice for just about everything. I hated to see her move to Colorado because now she is so far away, just like Nadine. I hate that thats how everything has to work out but hopefully she will be back soon. We have been through soooo much together the past 3 or so years!!

Im writing these notes because Tiffany's have inspired me to write them.

Well, Ive had quite a few boyfriends and a lot of crushes. Ive never really had a serious relationship with anyone and the closest one I had to a serious one ruined it by cheating, lying, stealing, spreading rumors, and tried to get with my best friends and cousin while we were dating. And while this was happening I was oblivious. After that, my trust in guys diminished almost completely. After that, I felt as though I had to have boyfriends just to keep me from getting depressed. That went on for about 8 months and after being taken advantage of, lied to, ignored, I just gave up on guys. And then guys would do random things to me while I was unconscience (in other words asleep) and it made me scared to sleep in the same room as any guys for the longest time. And the guy I fell hardest for didnt end up so well but I guess we are still pretty good friends. Also just when I thought I had found the right guy, he left and said when he came back we would try again. That never happened. Of course. Dont know why I ever thought it would. I honestly don't know why I even bother to trust guys anymore. Why can't for once I just be good enough for someone, someone that will stick by my side and not leave me in the dust. I know I shouldn't worry about it now, but it would be nice not to be ignored, taken advantage of, ect. I just felt like throwing all of this out there. Why do most guys have to ruin it for the good ones? Because now I can't really trust any guys because of most of the guys in my past.

Karma.

I dont like karma but I believe in it. It sucks when you are having a really good day and then the next day feels like the worse day of your life. I just know that it will happen. It always does. On top of that, its a Monday. Today has been such a great day! I got to spend it with some really great people and had a really great time. Now Im just chillin with a really awesome person. Yep.

Gotta keep ya updated.

So far, life isn't going to bad. It has ups and downs...and sometimes lefts and rights. Nothing ever stays in the center. I want it to but things just never happen like that. My classes are extremely stressful sometimes. Ill get to a point where Im just like, 'Im going to fail, this is impossible' to working my way slowly over the steep hill, but I end up making it. Im hoping in the end I end up making it. Its my long lost goal. I like to be successful at most of the things I do, even if I dont like it or if Im not any good at it. I want to say I worked my butt off to achieve it. I want to say that about this semester. I just cannot fail. Any of my classes. The class I spend the most time with is theory. It stresses me out to great lengths. Anybody in that class can say that. I know everyone has to take it but still. What also bothers me is when I complain about something thats extremely hard. Well, personally, I wouldn't say it was complaining. Maybe trying to get the word out there that I need help and then someone says "Stop complaining, all music majors have to go through it." That phrase really bothers me because not everyone has the same learning ability. I learn on a much slower pace than a lot of people. I cant help it but Im learning. This is one of the reasons Im afraid of speaking up also is because I will get accused of complaining, annoying, boring, or I will end up making someone angry. I find it better just to keep my mouth shut. I really like talking to people though and Im glad I have a couple of friends I can always go talk to if I need to tell them something which makes me feel good. Then there are the rest of the people out there who just don't really care to hear me out. I feel sometimes that I always go by without being heard by people. A few posts ago I talked about being invisible to the world. I still feel that way sometimes. Its like no one cares to know the deeper part of me. The deeper part that I want to be heard. Its all psychological. Everyone needs a person that they can trust with their innermost deepest thoughts. At this exact moment that person would probably be Nancy. I honestly dont know who else it would be. I just feel like I need that friend who will never criticize or judge no matter how big the circumstance and she definitely falls in that category. There are some other people that come close though. A lot of people just decide to stop talking to me. Once high school ended, it felt like all of my best friends dropped off of the earth. I have barely talked to any of them. I do try to keep in contact with some of them but its really hard so I don't really try. I do have my own life now and Im trying to live it. Most people I wont see until reunion or something or on Facebook. Yeah, well Im going to stop blogging for now and try to get some sleep. Long day of homework and studying in the morning. Night