Well whatever

Im sick of being here. I want to go back to commerce already. This is the most absolutely dreadful summer ever...well maybe last summer was...At least I had people to hang out with last summer. Anyone that cares to even bother talking to me lives almost 30 mins away but I just cant drive all the way over there everytime I want someone to hang with. Plus Im always left hanging...I wish people had better communication with each other. Maybe thats why there is so much fighting and violence. I wish it would just all disappear. I wish it wasnt so difficult for just about everything for everybody. I really need to get off of here and go be productive before it makes me even more depressed. I want to get away from it all.

Making things right?

Well I guess so? Im not sure. All I know is I'm ready to get back to college. 31 days is waaay too long to wait!!!

Disorders

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Dont forget that I also have Immature Personality Disorder :P

Future.

Most people have awful fears of spiders or heights or dying. No, one of my worst fears is the future. I have many other fears though, but the one that causes me from living a normal life is this one. I worry so much about it that sometimes I feel like Im just going to break down. I shouldnt worry about it! But just everything makes me worry, my classes if Ill pass them or not. If Im worthy enough to ever get married, or if I will ever get over my horrible fear of having sex? Going to the OBGYN, Having kids, Taking care of a family, Cooking, Cleaning, Being stuck doing all the crap I fear and dread!! Turning 70 and not being able to do anything anymore? Getting put in a nursing home because I cant take care of myself?? Why is all of this bothering me? This barely touches the surface of what bothers me!! I havent even got to things such as terrorism, rape, divorce, being broke and without a place to live, being kicked out of college, never getting a job, talking to people on the phone, being comfortable around people, getting close to someone and then they forget about me or leave me, loneliness, failing, living, dying...ect. The list never ends!!! Or the crazy stories I come up with in my head such as if I dont get home at a certain time I will get screamed and yelled at. Or if I say no to someone, they may hate me for things like not taking a friend some place or not helping someone out. I fear being judged. I fear I crave attention for all the wrong reasons. I feel like im writing this right now is because I want attention!!! Why do I feel that this is just a world full of hate?!?!!?! Why do i feel like I want someone to read this so badly?? There is no reason why I need someone right now. There is no reason why I need any friends at all! Why do we need friends? To help us feel more comfortable? To help us feel like someone cares? Well in reality, no one really cares about another person. We are all just existing at the moment. We serve a purpose to have sex and make babies and over populate the world. Which are two things I fear the most about the future. I cant see the point of existing in this world. Why do we do the things we do? Why do I worry about this so much that it causes me from living a normal life? ALL I WANT IS SOME ANSWERS!!!!

Lonely

What do I want out of life? Im not so sure. I dont even know what I want tomorrow. My mind is changing constantly. From here on, Im not going to talk to anybody unless they talk to me first. I need to learn independence. If I can last one week, Im good. Yes, I am going to get pretty lonely but regardless I will be lonely. My blog is going to be the only way to contact me on the internet for a week. Talk to me on here or read what I have to say. Going to try this until midnight of next wednesday.

I dont know

I really dont know what to think about anything again. Im actually kind of homesick...I never thought I would ever want to go back. I think Im going back tomorrow. I can't handle all this loneliness anymore...it was fun at first but its not anymore. I dont think my friend enjoys being there anymore either. And its definitely not fun being there if nobody else enjoys it. I miss my friends a lot. I doubt any of them want to hang out with me anymore. I havent heard from any of them in a long time. Is it my fault? Or do they just not care about me anymore? Im ready to go back to Commerce. Im ready to get back to being busy all the time. I know this semester is going to be so busy. Ten classes?!!? Maybe more...not sure.

Left behind?

How come I am always feeling like Im never progressing in life? How come I feel this constant motion of never changing? I try so hard to make myself move forward but it doesnt seem to work. I love around at all of my friends and they all either have job, getting married, already married, getting boyfriends, getting awards scholarships, ect...everyone seems to be progressing. I am sitting in limbo right now, waiting. I cant get a job because Im apparently not even good enough to work at whataburger or run a cash register at a warehouse. Thats how life is treating me now. Plus on top of that, a lot of my friends dont really care to talk to me unless I text them first. Am I living in a constant state of feeling like Im still in high school? I even believe that I must follow my moms set of rules or I get in trouble. I cant seem to break free of this insanity!!! I cant even decide what I want out of life anymore! Am I living or am I just existing? I really want to know! I am trying to live but I live in constant worry and doubt and fear. I just want to have fun. I want to be able to enjoy life and enjoy what life has to offer and not worry about money or love or anything else. Why does this stuff bother me so much? Why do I wish my life had a set path to follow? I hate all this uncertainty. I really do. I wish I knew what was going to happen later on in life. Or do I really want to know? The future scares me dearly. I think I should go to bed and get ready for morning. Im getting pretty tired and all this stuff is depressing me!